you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
