youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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