I wish I could teleport
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
