if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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