May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize