I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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