My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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