You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
