dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
