The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
