We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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