Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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