I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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