I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
