dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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