now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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