I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
