he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
