Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
