i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
