i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize