I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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