I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
