i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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