she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
