Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
