i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize