No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
