now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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