I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
