This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
