I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize