just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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