I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
