I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
