Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
