I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
