Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
