My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
