You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
