So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
