Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
