I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
