fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
