Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
