Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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