You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
