her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
