hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Randomize
