god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Where did you get a picture of my penis
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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