I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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