Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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