i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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