I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
