I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize