people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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