dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
