i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
