my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
