I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize