I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
