i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
