life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
