i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My life is pants optional.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
