you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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