I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
