I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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